This is the story for my submission for the Baby Rabies Inappropriate Elf 2012 Contest. Voting starts on December 7th! I’m #27. If you enjoy this, please vote!!
Twas the month before Christmas, we welcomed to our house
An elf named Petraeus who was quite a louse.
He fell for his biographer, while she was making her edits
And then this general was betrayed by his privates.
They had an affair, an illicit liaison
But now we know why she called the book “Elf In.”
He lost his CIA job and was out on his own
Until Santa found him and threw him a bone.
Santa took pity on Petraeus and brought him forth
To lead his elfen spies based far to the north.
They spied on the kids, the nice and the naughty,
And soon Petraeus forgot all about Paula Broadwell’s body.
But all wasn’t jolly at that northern pole. Santa caught Petraeus in the dormitory
With the head elf’s wife, as he said, “Mrs. Claus, you’re trying to seduce me.”
Disgraced again, the general was sent off by his self
Until we went to Target and bought this Elf on the Shelf.
We couldn’t just leave this elf all alone,
So we asked “How can we bring this Elf on a Shelf home?”
The Targeted red shirt said “You just have to pay us.”
And that’s how we brought home General Petraeus.
When he cuddled his book, I thought it suspicious
And even stranger still when he covered the bio with kisses
He’d fallen for Carol, his new biographer,
Turns out his type is “wordsmith cougar.”
But that was the least of the trouble we found
After Petraeus to our house came around
We found him in a picture frames back alley,
Hustling tickets to see the Nativity.
But the worst of it all, what gives me concern
Is him snorting sugar off the waffle iron
And melting it down in a spoon with a candle.
His sugar addiction is almost too much to handle.
But handle we will, this elf with his problem,
We all hit, at one time or another, rock bottom.
So before you turn up your nose and think too much of your self
Remember, one day, you too could end up an Inappropriate Elf.
(Don’t forget to vote HERE for us! #27)